My dad is alive. He's still here. He's not himself, really. His body has turned on him in a very unfair and cruel way. He's not able to do the things he wants to do and should be able to do at his age. He's only 70. He's not going to live forever and will pass away before his time - even though it will be his time. We all exit this life when it's our time.
Part of me hopes that we have him with us this time next year. I'm selfish and I want that for me. The other part of me just wants him to be relieved of a life where he is confined to a body that he shouldn't have to live within. I have thoughts about death a lot lately. A lot. Not my death necessarily, but the death of my dad. I hate that death is on my mind so much of the time. If he wasn't sick, I certainly wouldn't think about death anywhere near the amount I do. But he is incurably sick. And I do think about it. Too much.
I have three thoughts that I continually come back to.
1. I wonder if I will be able to handle it all as well as I think I will when it actually happens. I know it's coming, and in some ways I think I am prepared, but I'm not sure how I'll actually react when it actually does. I don't think I know myself quite as well as I think I do. Can anyone REALLY prepare for it?
2. I wonder if I'll doubt in God or in a heaven when that moment comes. Right now, I'm so absolutely sure what awaits us all in the afterlife but when someone I love so much finally takes a step out of this world and into the next, am I going to doubt what happens? Having not experienced that before, I'm so worried that I will. Not worried, terrified.
3. But my biggest worry is that the world will just feel different. I can't imagine being on this planet without my dad. I think the world will just feel different with him not in it. Driving in my car, sitting alone in my house, teaching school, grocery shopping - I think it will just feel different knowing that such a force is no longer on the earth.
These are my random thoughts. Depressing, I know. I hate that these kinds of thoughts have already set up shop in my head. Maybe it's just human nature as we face the unknown coming at us at an uncertain speed?
These are my random thoughts. Depressing, I know. I hate that these kinds of thoughts have already set up shop in my head. Maybe it's just human nature as we face the unknown coming at us at an uncertain speed?
These kind of posts are hard to write and hard to read.... yet they are so good for us. They give us time to reflect on all the good we have/or have had in our lives. They help us realize what is most important.
ReplyDeleteWriting is healing for the soul, and gives our thoughts a place to process. I have used my blog over the years for such posts as this. So thank you for your thoughts. I can only imagine how hard this year has been for you. Your mom and dad are blessed to have you in their lives at this time. You are definitely where you need to be to help them. Soon, you and Ken will be back together. Your students are lucky to have you.
I hope that despite challenges you will be able to make a few more memories with your dad in the time he has left with you. Hugs from Mt. Pleasant!
Oh Kristina. This was so sweet, raw and heart felt. I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. You are an amazing woman. I'm so glad you are able to be with your dad at this time. You are in my thoughts and prayers during this hard time.
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