I got thinking this morning as I was getting ready for work about all of the things about me that would be different if I were cool. Here are a few of my thoughts and explanations as to why I am not cool.
If I were cool I'd wear high heels.
Instead, I wear sandals... every day... every season. First of all, I find high heels to be uncomfortable. I am on my feet all day chasing down first graders. Second, my husband and I are near the same height. Third, I am shoe blind. Heels all look the same to me. I can't tell if you're wearing a $675.00 pair of Jimmy Choo's or a $8.99 pair off of the Payless clearance rack. Save your money.
If I were cool I'd wear trendy necklaces.
I love them... on other people. I get pretty annoyed with stuff hanging off of my neck. I get even more annoyed with my hair getting stuck in the claps or chain. I wish I were more daring and bold with my jewelry choices but it's comfort over looks with me.
If I were cool I'd wear belts.
I don't own a single belt. My child bearing hips seem to hold my clothes up just fine. Also, people of my plumpness (did that sound nice or what) really don't need to accentuate anything, especially the bulges above and below the waist. The only belt I wear is my seat belt.
If I were cool I'd have an expensive handbag.
Handbags can make such a statement! My statement must be I only carry black handbags from Ross or TJ Max that are on super clearance. In fact, I don't think mine even qualify as a "handbag". Mine is a purse. I use it until it starts to fall apart and then I go buy another one... in black. I don't have the privilege of flashing a satchel that is worth five months of my car payments. So uncool.
If I were cool I would wear lipstick.
I hate to admit it but I don't own a single tube of lipstick. Not one. I used to wear lipstick all of the time, when I was cool. Now I wear lip gloss, but I usually just smear on a coat of Vaseline petroleum jelly. It's shiny enough.
If I were cool I'd have amazing eyelashes.
My eyelashes are sparse, short and blonde. Three strikes, I'm out. I use the ole' eyelash curler and glop on a few coats of mascara. Cool people get eyelash extensions. Depending on who does them they can look unbelievably amazing... or they can look like something off of a really cheap and scary doll. The good thing about not being cool is that I don't have to pay for the extensions or the upkeep. Also, I can rub my eyes and wash my face like a normal person.
If I were cool I'd have an iPhone.
Cool people are serious about their communication devices. They can Facebook, Tweet, blog, check their emails, surf the web and do a myriad of other things all from their phone. I have a ghetto phone. No touchscreen. Buttons. I don't email, Facebook, blog or surf anything from my phone. I text or call. Period. When it comes to phones, I don't hang out with the cool kids. I'm fine with it.
If I were cool I'd wear my long curly hair down like the celebrities.
Just like the necklace, it's comfort over looks for me. I find my hair to be heavy and annoying. The once a year I wear it down, it's pulled up within 15 minutes. I can't explain it, it just is. Cool people have hairstyles. Creatures of habit have messy buns slapped on the back of their heads.
If I were cool I'd sport a carefree short hairstyle.
Meg Ryan has always had great hair in my opinion. I can't be cool like Meg Ryan. First of all, people of plumpness (nice again) don't necessarily look good with short hair. My face looks fatter with short hair. Also, you would think that I would want short hair because all I do is pull mine back. WRONG! I cannot stand short hair because I can't pull it back. Short or long I'm not cool.
If I were cool I'd wear cute hats.
There are so many cute hats out there and so many women who look adorable in them. I'm not talking about the Royals, just hats as accessories. I can't wear hats for 2 reasons. One, my head is abnormally large. True. I don't know why. I can't go to the store and buy a hat that will fit over my melon. Two, my ridiculously not cool hair will not allow me to put a hat on. Even if I tame it down, it's not going to happen.
So there you are.
Tomorrow when I get ready for work I will pull up my hair, put on my frumpy makeup, don my sandals, grab my ancient cell phone, throw it in my chintzy purse and continue to be uncool. I'm a-okay with my levelness of cool, or lack thereof. It works. But... I would really love to wear that black hat!